It really does not matter if you’ve already slept together or you’ve only just started talking and dating, a guy asking for n*des is tacky at best and disgusting at worst, from every moral point of view. Sharing intimate photos with someone or not is your own choice, and should be something you choose to Do. However, if you were asked for your nude pictures and you’re a bit lost for words, here’s some help:
1. Text a photo of Michelangelo’s David statue. It’s not your fault he wasn’t specific. N*des are n*des.
2. Text a photo of the Birth of Venus painting. And you should probably apologize for how windy it was that day.
3. Tell him to send you n*des first. But make sure to add that the only nude thing you want to be sent is a cheese pizza with no toppings.
4. Respond with quotes from Nicolas Cage movies. Put heavy emphasis on quotes from The Wicker Man.
5. Send him GIFs of Frank Underwood from House of Cards. One side-eye from the Kevin Spacey character is guaranteed to shut it down.
6. Tease him with, “OK, I’ll send you a pic of my breasts, they’re on the small side, but they’re juicy” and then send a pic of the chicken breasts you bought for dinner. Corny, yes, but they’re technically your breasts.
7. Pretend that you don’t understand what he’s asking for. “N*des? What are n*des? I don’t understand. Oh, like n*de photos? Why would you want those? What would you do with them? I don’t get it.”
8. Text him the famous photo of a naked John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Follow it up with, “Give peace a chance.”
9. Ask him if Cary Grant would ever do such a thing. Remind him what it means to be a gentleman. If he has no idea who Cary Grant is, definitely block him.
10. Throw your phone into the ocean. Good luck trying to get n*des now!
11. Go for a simple “lol.” Continue to use “lol” for all of his follow-up texts.
12. Fight n*des with politics. Tell him to go to “Make America Great Again.” Tell him that it’s Wall Street’s fault he’s not getting nudes. Add that you have no desire to see “Little Marco.”
13. Remind him that you’re a “never n*de.” Make as many Arrested Development reference as necessary.
14. Bombard him with cat facts. Tell him to text “meow” to unsubscribe. When he texts “meow” follow that up with, “Thank you for subscribing to more cat facts!” and continue to send cat facts.
15. Tell him that he’s being disrespectful as f*ck and his mother would be ashamed to know what he’s asking of you, and if he really wants to see naked b00bs, he can Google them, because they have hundreds of thousands to see, and to stop treating you like a living and breathing p*rn generator. Yeah, it’s fun to respond with obnoxious and silly texts, but there’s also nothing wrong with taking a stand and telling him he’s being rude and gross and you are a human being, who has value for herself and Moral.
You go girl, stand up for Yourself, and One day in the nearest future, you’ll be proud you did.